Over the last week I've wanted to write about this topic but I kept putting it off and feeling as if it were a silly thing to write about. I mentioned the topic to my sister and she laughed! She wondered how I could have fallen for such preposterous idealogy! I look back and wonder how I ever fell for it as well. It's crazy to me how I can look at the same things I looked at years ago, but see them through such a different scope. It will be hard to pick a starting point and know how to say what I want to say without saying too much and being boring. Oh well. Here I go.
In September of 2013 I filed for divorce from my husband. We had been separated for almost five months already and I'd seen everything I needed to see. He wasn't going to change. His ego was more than it ever had been and his non stop partying nights at the bar were disgusting to me. How on earth did he expect me to want to stay with him when he was constantly out and meeting new women all the time? Especially when he knew I had such an insecurity about him with women, considering his affair had lasted over one year. I didn't even know he was still sleeping with Carly while we were separated. I'd started seeing a counsellor after my attempt to take pills and escape the constant torment of my husband. There was one time I sat in her office while on the phone with JJ and she heard the way he spoke to me. She heard him call my mother a greedy whore and confirm, later in the phone call, that he meant it. She heard him tell me I was being ridiculous for trying to divorce him and even more ridiculous for wanting so much child support. He didn't seem to grasp the fact that the court orders child support, not me. JJ didn't want me to divorce him, he wanted to be with me yet he wasn't willing to give up any of his bad habits or rude comments towards my family. My counsellor listened to JJ for almost fourty-five minutes. I repeatedly told him I was hanging up and the conversation was over. He wouldn't allow it. Threats were always made followed by the same wording about him needing to talk to me right then to resolve the issue. This was the first time my counsellor, or anyone, witnessed the way my husband treated me. It was unacceptable. During our weekly sessions I would ask for help dealing with the man I was trying to divorce. He was following me, threatening me, showing up at my house when he wasn't supposed to and demanding to know each detail about my life. It was a constant stress on my already unstable mental health. With each weekly session I grew stronger and more aware of the way JJ was treating me. I learned tactics to talk to him while tolerating his accussations and threats. JJ could sense the distance I was creating which caused him to behave more crazy towards me. Even after the abuse I'd endured for the previous year and a half, this was one of the scariest times for me. JJ was completely unpredicatable. During this time I became a tiny bit more active in the church. I always took my children on Sunday because they needed the stability and I wanted them to be raised with the values and faith. The more I went with them and became healthier, thanks to the sessions with my counsellor, I started feeling more welcoming to the belief of God. My faith had dwindled to the point of not knowing what was out there anymore, yet I was starting to find my way back. Brady (the guy in previous posts, the one I tried dating during this time) was a firm Christian and his faith in God, no matter the religion, was beautiful. I loved his dedication and devotion to the Bible. We had long talks about religion and, though we were raised in different churches, we both had a deep love for God above. It took me months to remember that, but I did. During those months of remembering what I believed and who I was, JJ was paying close attention. Once he figured out I was finding my way back he started using spiritual contexts to tell me how bad divorce was. JJ would tell me the adversary was giving me the thoughts of divorce. He said, 'God doesn't want his children to be divorced, he wants them to be a family,' and 'if I pushed for divorce I would be following Satan, not God'. He would tell me if the kids or God meant anything to me I would make my marriage work and stay with him since that's what the church is all about. His comments would confuse me. Maybe he was right? Maybe I was following the wrong intuition and the adversary really was getting me to see the wrong side of the line? I felt anxious and my heart would be torn as to which way I was going. I wondered if JJ really was a great man and I was being silly for not giving him another chance. His constant use of the adversary had me second guessing everything I felt or did. His comments put me in turmoil when only weeks before I had felt peace about my decision to divorce him. In one of my counselling session I confided the things JJ had been saying to put me in such a new place of unknowing. She reminded me that when I'm at peace with my feeling and decision, I'm doing the right thing. Every time JJ brought up me staying with him I dug myself into a hole of chaos and confusion. His words caused so much distraught inside of me that I couldn't figure out which way I was supposed to go. My counsellor reminded me those were the feelings I should avoid, the chaos wasn't coming from choosing the right thing to do. A couple of notes were entered about these sessions. 10/10/2013: It is clear that he is not a good influence on her and uses gospel concepts in an attempt to get what he wants with her. 12/2/2013: She was talking to JJ on the phone at the beginning of session and was very upset as he wouldn't back off from trying to convince her that the right thing to do would be to come back to him… Focused on strengthening her to follow through with what brings her peace and the answers she has received. Helped her to see that she cannot control his reactions by being overly nice. I seriously don't know what I would have done without her. I look back at these events and sessions realizing how ludicrous the things he did to me really were. I'm still amazed at what I went through with this man. He is still pulling the same stuff. I received a text message last month with a scripture from him. I don't remember the exact scripture but it was aimed at my decisions and the way things are working out right now. I could probably search my messages and find it but I don't want to read through the things he has said to me. Not tonight. If someone is trying to convince you to stay with them because the adversary is telling you to break apart your family.... my guess is they are the person who is following the adversary, not you. All we can do is go with our belief and trust in ourselves. If we are being honest and faithful then everything will work out. I remind myself of this every single day. Whether we are the most religious people in the world or someone who doesn't have a clue what to believe, we have angels and they can feel what we feel. When JJ was trying his hardest to convince me not to divorce him I would, occassionally, give it a thought. Each time I imagined a future with him I would sob uncontrollably. My anxiety would shoot through the roof and nothing made sense. It felt like a prison. I feel those same things now when I think about going back to the town I left. I cry within seconds of the thought of being back there close his physical presence. I have to take deep breaths and calm my blood flow because I get such anxiety thinking about it. I know it's not the right thing to do right now. I will continue to fight for my beliefs and stand up for myself. It's my time.
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AuthorI was married for 12 years. This is my journey of dealing with lies, manipulation, depression, suicide attempts and the affairs of my narcissistic husband... while protecting my kids to the point of them being in his custodial care. Abuse comes in many forms, my goal is to educate and help others who feel trapped in this, sometimes silent, abuse. Archives
February 2017
CategoriesNote:Names have been changed in respect to privacy |
Photo used under Creative Commons from Fan.D & Dav.C Photgraphy